Twin Peaks
6990 Siegen Lane

Admit it, you like it when DBG is mean. You only send her fan mail when she’s mean. She never gets mail for
being informative. That’s why she was saddened when she actually had a few nice things to say about Baton
Rouge’s newest “breastaurant.” So she is going to write about the positive things first and then write the review
you want to read. The smokehouse burger was above average. The patio was a nice space. The staff, while
scantily clad, was professional. The salads even looked good. The place was miles above Hooters.

Here is the review you want:
Twin Peaks has to be the brainchild of two 14-year-old boys who recently cracked the parental controls on the
home computer. Waitresses are known as “Lumber Jills”. In case you are missing the imagery—each Lumber
Jill has been endowed with an epic pair of Twin Peaks. If David Lynch were dead, he would be spinning in his
grave on a rotisserie. (So no, there is no Log Lady and the owls are exactly what they seem.)

DBG arrived to find the parking lot filled with big trucks. Lonely men sat at the bar and slugged down large mugs
of 29 degree beer. DBG’s Abita molded itself into a large snowball. They featured a dessert called the Twin
Peaks Sundae—“two scoops of vanilla ice cream on top of a hot Blondie.” Of course, each scoop of ice cream
has a cherry on top. Does that make you horny?

Many dead animals and televisions lined the walls. They even have a Twin Peaks channel that introduces
patrons to their girls. Sheila from Austin says, “My friends tell me I have a pretty mouth.” Of course, it is located
on Siegen Lane, the showplace for all the worst Baton Rouge has to offer—insane traffic, big box stores and
bland chain restaurants.

To sum it up, the entire place just says, “Sure, you work for the state in a dead-end job and make 28K a year,
half of which you pay to your ex-wife and weekend child, but when you slink out of your efficiency apartment on
Gardere and go for some beers at Twin Peaks, you become a God among men. Those Lumber Jills really
understand all of your inner pain. As you sign your Discover card receipt, you are gonna leave Bambi an extra
large tip that will add to your mountain of credit card debt.”