Give the Gift of Shadiness This Holiday Season
Jubilee Food Store and Valero Gas Station
2385 College Drive

Tired of the mall? Don’t know what to get your crack-head uncle or stoner cousin? DBG has an unlikely solution
to your first world problems: The Jubilee Food Store at the Valero Gas Station on College Drive. This unlikely
purveyor of sin sits right in the middle of a respectable area, with neighbors including Port Royal, Waffle
House, Ruby Tuesday and Raising Cane’s.

The first time DBG laid eyes on the Valero, her spidey sense started to tingle as she watched a prostitute jump
into the back of a U-Haul and roll down the door to presumably do the deed with the driver. She wondered if
they used the moving blankets, then shuddered at the thought of covering grandmother’s armoire
with…well…you know.

Upon entry, visitors are greeted by a rack of dirty magazines that no one is reading for the articles. The
selection of Four Loko, Joose and Crunk is the best in the state. DBG prefers Fruit Punch Joose. It really slows
her roll. It has a nice flowery bouquet, a peppy finish and is 12.5% alcohol by volume. The Jubilee also sells
many types of single serving Kahlua and Firefly drinks. As a bonus, their sensual flavored whipped cream is
priced to move!

The narrow aisles slinking around the interior, while certainly a fire hazard, contain discount candy and off-brand
beef jerky products. The true payoff is near the register where the large bongs — excuse me “water pipes” — are
displayed. There is also a huge selection of one hitters – ahem, “pipes” — and a comprehensive array of glass
crack pipes; because at Christmas, you don’t want to smoke your crack out of a Coke can! Don’t miss the large
gas mask bong hanging in a prime location over the register.

Bottom Line: If you need assistance getting all different kinds of CRUNK, this is the place to be.

cherrythedivebargirl@gmail.com

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